Dear "Guy Who Talks Into His Phone as if it Were a Walkie-Talkie"...

YO, DAWG, WHAT UP? WHERE YOU AT? HAAA, NO WAI, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU SHITTIN' ME. YOU BE SHITTIN' ME. SHIIIIIIT. -INSERT GARBLED WORDS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE AN ALIEN LANGUAGE-

Ahem, sorry. I was just inspired by your conversations recently, I couldn't help it.

Today, I thought I'd introduce to you something called a cell phone. The general concept is that you speak into one end and hold the other to your ear so that you may hear the other person respond. These interactions, known as "phone calls" are generally quiet. There is the occasional event in which it is difficult to hear the other person due to the shit network you may have, like the rest of us. Step behind a tree and all of a sudden, signal stops. Instantly. This is somehow solved by you speaking louder. Perhaps they can't hear you either, so you should yell into your phone, scaring the everloving shit out of everyone around you.

"DAVE?! DAVE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I THINK WE GOT CUT OFF."

Yes, I think so too.

Regardless.

You, my fine sir, are not guilty of this. You throw all concept of a phone out the window and treat that hunk of plastic and metal in your hand as if it is a microphone, broadcasting your conversation to the world around you, or a walkie-talkie. Sometimes I wait to hear that telltale 'chirp' that all those walkie-talkie phones give off, to somehow justify you, but it never comes. Instead, more yelling from you.

Let me ask you something: how can you possibly tell what the fuck the other person is saying? Your ear is nowhere NEAR that speaker.

I...I just don't understand this whole concept.

I won't pretend to not notice what demographic of people do this.

Black men, why?

It seems as though something is coded into your DNA to force you to, when your phone rings, check it, open it, probably sliding it open exposing the QWERTY keyboard (why, I don't know, seeing as you won't even be texting...) and then proceed to scream into your phone in an odd dialect no one can understand. All your words slur together with the most absurd combination of sounds I have ever heard.

I don't know. I am just so confused at this practice, I don't even have anything witty to say.

Just please don't waddle in my way when I'm trying to get to class, holding the front of your HUGE jeans so they don't fall down with one hand, and screaming into the phone held a foot away from your mouth with your other hand.

Maybe then I won't contemplate accidentally tripping you and laughing as you tumble to the ground and can't get up because your pants are around your ankles.

-Observer